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Friday, November 19, 2010

Letters of Intent: Dear New OBGYN (the rated R version where I died on the table)

Disclaimer: You should only read this post if you are a female over 18 years old, as there are several references of a sensitive nature that may make one uncomfortable/won't understand unless you have had a pelvic exam. Even if you are a female over 18 you may still be uncomfortable, so proceed with caution.

Dear Mr. Dr. New OBGYN,
Oh, if you only knew the anxiety I had about seeing you for the first time. It is never ever never fun to bare all to a complete stranger. I mean, I am a nice, proper southern bell, and well I DON'T know you.

I really appreciate your discretion to come in, meet me, sit down, and talk to me a while first. You wanted to hear all about my past medical history, specifically about my hellish pregnancies, aka hyperemesis gravidarum, that I experienced when I was pregnant with Dylan and Karsen.  I wanted to make sure you knew that battling hyperemesis is serious work; that it was more than just morning sickness. Were you the man for the job? Thank you for patiently listening to me talk. Thank you for the (discouraging) encouragement you gave me when I asked you how aggressive and proactive you would be with dealing with HG. Your response was:
"I am aggressive as the individual needs me to be. You would definitely need to start off on a PPI/H2 blocker along with scheduled anti-emetics like Zofran as opposed to using them as needed. The management of nausea and vomitting in pregnancy is much like treating chronic pain, it is best to stay ahead of it before it gets really bad as opposed to waiting until you are already very sick and then trying to chase it to find relief. If you know you have a wild, mean dog that you are about to deal with, instead of chasing him around, how about we just close the gate before he gets out of the yard?"
WOW. Thank you Mr. Dr. New OBGYN. I love your candid response, and the fact that you threw in a metaphor about chasing a wild dog really spoke to my southern roots. You were basically speaking my love language. Thank you. Now, I will show you my goods. Ha!~ Seriously, I did NOT think or say that!
He went on to say:
"It sounds like you have walked through hell twice. If you decide to go through another pregnancy, you will likely walk through hell again. So, if you and your husband decide you want to take that journey through hell again, I will gladly walk through hell with you all."

Ummmm, thank you? It was quite unsettling to hear him say HELL 4 times in 3 sentences regarding a future pregnancy that I may or may not have. I could not decide if I was encouraged or discouraged. Alot to think about....

On to the pelvic exam....(I know this is what you want to hear all about anyway). Ha! Well I won't go into details (you're welcome), but I do want to share one (or three) things with you. I have a running list of Things Your OBGYN Should Not Say to You During a Pelvic Exam. Seriously, it is of future best-seller quality...a possible book maybe...Oprah would love it....publish date TBA. Consider the following copyrighted, people! ;)

The first thing an OBGYN should not say to you when you are 18 years old...and having your 1st visit there with your Mom's doctor....once you awkwardly slide down the table with your knees rigidly apart, your OBGYN should never start the exam and then casually say, "Oh, you look just like your mother." Seriously, there is not enough counseling in the world to heal that wound.

The second thing a new OBGYN should not say to you once you assume the position and the exam has begun is, "You must work out". Um, what are you looking at Mr. Dr. Man? My legs?, my bum?, my who-who or WHAT? OMG, I slowly died on the table. Seriously, you should have asked me how many times a week I exercise [to assess my heart-health] when I was fully clothed and we were talking before the pelvic exam started!! Then I could tell he got nervous because he realized the inappropriate timing of his comment. He starts rambling, "I mean you just appear thin and toned" I just laid there and nervously said:
"Ummmm, I am a "social exerciser"...you know like a social drinker, I usually exercise when I am with someone else who is exercising"
And then we both got very uncomfortable (or maybe it was just me)....I heard crickets in the background. LOL. Thoughts to myself as he palpated my ovaries "Seriously, Social exerciser? what the flip is that, Heather? stop-talking-NOW."  What felt like 140 minutes later, he finished and as I was scooting back up the table, holding the sheet across myself, trying to maintain a smiggin' of dignity, he goes on to say the third thing an OBGYN should never say during a pelvic exam. "Everything looked great!". 

I cringe and try to smile as I die a little more and say thanks and see you in a year.....or sooner if I decide to venture to Hades Mr. Dr. OBGYN! Gotta run now, but it was so nice to meet you.

Deciduous and mortified Heather


Kara @ His, Hers and Ours said...

You're not kidding about there not being enough counseling for the mom-look-alike comment! I'm still shivering from even the thought of a doc saying that to me.

I can however, share with you my first experience, and you can gladly add it to your list if you want...

While laying on the exam table, at the age of 16, trying to get birth control, by myself, at the freaking health department, the doc had the gall to say, and I kid you not...

"My, my my. You are a mature young lady"

Yes. While I was spread eagle.

Awesome new OB for you though! Great to know you have support should you decided to, um, go through hell again?? I think I would've rather him said something else...but...that's just me.

Happy Friday and have a great weekend. Sorry for the loooong comment!

deepintheheartoftexas2 said...

Don't even get me started on horrible ob or even drs. Glad you found a good dr! Have a great weekend.

Foursons said...

Oh.my.gosh. Talk about feeling awkward! Do you watch The Big C? This reminds me of the Oncologist in that show. Hahahaha. Is he cute at least? On the plus side- he noticed how thin and fit you are! :D

Thanks for linking up under such duress.

Deciduous Heather